Anyone within my personal vicinity knows that I have been wondering and wavering the past few weeks. The worry of the future coupled with the knowledge that moving on is a must, have sent me into many emotional tailspins with doubt and anger as my traveling companions.
As usual, He didn't leave me to wallow around in my self-made mud. Through music, scripture and sound advice from dear ones in my life He has given me a leg up on all this chaos and a hope for the moment AND the big scary future.
As I watched the Gaither's with Grandma, the first change in perspective came. We can make jokes about the big hair and old-fashioned clothing, phrasing and music if we want to. And it would be naive to think that every person in these videos is walking tightly, authentically with the Lord every minute. BUT I believe I can safely refer to Poppa Goodman as a saint, or nearly. That night he was sharing that he didn't mind growing old and not being able to get around. But for the past few weeks he had been unable to sleep at night and hadn't even told his wife yet. He was being kept awake with the fearful question, "How did he know that heaven and Jesus were truly waiting for Him?" . His answer came in scripture and in song and praying his way through each night.
Here's my thinking at that point, as tears flowed down my face: if Poppa Goodman can doubt that Jesus and heaven are there for him, then its not just me, maybe I am not faithless....?
The words to a familiar Bebo Norman song reflect my feelings well:
It's on the tip of my heart,
the words to say
But I fall apart and I walk away
There's an angry world pressed against my back
And at every turn I keep looking back
And I know you promise me
Love through eternity
So why can't I just hold on
I want to live, I want to love
But I'm afraid my simple faith will never be enough
I want to laugh, I want to be set free
And let you hold all that my soul has deep inside of me
But I don't know where to start
It's on the tip of my heart
I listened to this song as I walked through the snow in the mountains of Cumberland, and the beautiful thing is, through this comfortable song I have known for quite some time, God brought me new assurance. Someone else putting to words what I have been struggling with means that this is not new to humanity, more importantly, its not new to Him.
The same day as I read my devotional scripted for that date, I had more beauty heaped upon me!
Isaiah 41:13 "I am holding you by your right hand-I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Do not be afraid, I am here to help you'. "
So I find that the details ahead are still worriesome. But since He holds my right hand, and I have the promise of His love for eternity, I believe I can take the steps I need to take today to walk with Him. And really, thats all I need to know.
The last chorus of the "Bebo" song says it well:
So I'm gonna live,
I'm gonna love
I'm not afraid because your grace will always be enough
I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna be set free
And let you hold all that my soul has deep inside of me
You have shown me where to start
It's on the tip of my heart
My prayer is that as I hold tightly to His dear hand, His promise of eternal love will flow over and on to others.
About Me
- Karrie Diggs
- I am excited to find what God has in coming days for me to learn and live out. I am a busy mother of 3 and wife of 1 ;-). We are working full time, "growing" a church plant and hopefully loving well on the world around us.
5 comments:
My dear Karrot! I am so glad that you have a blog now! I love it...thanks for encouraging us with what our Jesus is teaching you these days. I think I'm going to go listen to Bebo right now! :) I look forward to visiting here often. :) Love you so, Auntie! ~Katie Rose
Sweet Sister~
What beautiful blog! You are an amazing, poetic writer! Thank you for this blog, Karrie. Thank you for allowing us to see into your heart and your journey - you give encouragement and hope to us all. Thank you so much. God has perfect timing. ;)
Karrie dear,
what a lovely piece of peace on this very cold MN day. Thank you for sharing such an articulate and faith-"full" testimony of God's holding onto you tightly. God is so good to all of us! I am anxious to see the place He is leading you, asking you (us) for just one more step....not 12, just one. I love you!
Karrie,
I love your walk and your faith; it is one of the most real journeys I have ever seen and I am blessed that you walk beside me in it. Bebo Norman is like a psalmist where he shares the gospel from the perspective of the traveler, sometimes even the weary traveler that can not know what lies ahead on the journey. (By the way why does Bebo have a name fitting for a hobbit?)
(Opps, almost got distracted there.) I love the Psalms, and I love it that our Lord was praying a Psalm on the cross. “Psalm 22, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me.” Contrary to some folk theology Jesus was not spouting off theology at all, he was quoting a Psalm in the spirit of a Psalm (a very prophetic Psalm in his case). David was not forsaken by God and neither was Christ, because scripture tells us that God was there with Christ all along- 2 Corinthians 5:19 “God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself”. But regardless, Jesus had no shame praying something that he felt more intensely than any of us ever could.
“Where are you God? Why did you leave me? Even Christ knew what it was like to feel these things and I believe that he is in someway closest to us when we feel things like this today. After all, the miracle of Immanuel is that Christ came to be with us, to be where we are; and he meets us where we are even when we feel the furthest away.
Be comforted that in the times where you question your faith the most God is there. Paul gave Timothy what he called a “trustworthy statement”; he said, “When we are faithless God is faithful.” So I can trust God’s faithfulness even when I can not trust my own.
Love you,
Jamey
Oh, I love Bebo's music. I am listening to it right now. Don't you love knowing that someone else feels just like you, and that they put it into such wonderful words? I always feel like like I am giving a little more to God when I sing Him a song that tells Him how I feel. Keep holding on! I love you so much!
Michal
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